I was talking the other night with a friend of mine. We had had a few Negronis. Not too many, for a night when both of us had to be up at the crack of way too early the next day. One of us for work, one of me to catch a plane. We got to talking about music, and the songs that really speak to us, and whether or not that evolves.
Fix You, by Coldplay. That's mine. Now my secret is out. Want to punch me in the gut while we're having dinner? Toss that one into the mix, and take a sly glance my way when those first few haunting notes are played. See what kind of mood I'm in that night. I'll either end up laughing along at the joke, or you'll find that I've become a shitty guest, all sullen and stoic, ready to hide out in the kitchen for the rest of the night. I'm far more likely to laugh now, but I have my days. We all do.
When it first came out, I listened to it and heard one thing. Lights will guide you home. I lumped it in with Phil Collins' Take Me Home as a song that I could listen to as the end of a journey was near. It meant I'd get to see familiar things soon. It meant that I'd have my dog running down the hallway to greet me. It made me smile. I heard what I wanted to hear.
Then, as life does, things happened. When you feel so tired but you can't sleep. Tears streamed down my face. Far more often than I wanted them to. I listened to this song again. Found a whole new meaning in it. Found that it was an outlet for all that I was feeling, even on the days I didn't know what I was feeling. Found that when Aaron Sorkin used it in an episode of The Newsroom(Season 1, Ep. 4), I had to rewind TiVo a few times to get through the full episode. I was a mess. Literally. Figuratively. Everything in between.
About halfway through, though, there's a great guitar break. Soaring. Hopeful. Optimistic. The exact opposite of the opening organ chords. Like the song, halfway through, I found hope in this song. I found optimism. I found a live canary in the mine. The tears had stopped. The world was still spinning, and I was going to be OK. If you never try, you'll never know just what you're worth. I found I was worth more than I gave myself credit for. So much more. And now, everyday, I work to live up to that.
Yes, tears streamed down my face, and sometimes, they still do. No, I'm not fixed. I'm not that silly to think I'm fixed, or that I'll ever be fixed. But I'm better. Striving to continue to improve. Who knows, maybe I'll even find a new song. Suggest one, or share yours.
